Loneliness

Something you could of never prepared me for was the overwhelming sense of loneliness the word cancer brought into my life. I felt a lot of things when I was first diagnosed but the one thing that has stuck with me the most is that same loneliness. I've always described cancer as the feeling that I'm drowning in plain sight, everyone could see me, but I'm just there in front of them struggling to keep my head above water. For what-ever reason this seems to be the thing that surprises people the most when I would describe my experience to them. They would say "you cant be lonely, you're always surrounded with family" or "you're not alone, their are soo many people who love you" And its true, I wasn't ever alone. I had wonderful support systems and loving friends and family, But something about that chemo chair felt like a desert island.

Maybe it was the steroid crashes, or the chemo hang over, the fact that I looked soo different the the Margaret I knew and loved. The feeling my body was robbed and I was standing in between who I was and who cancer made me. I couldn't say, but no matter the reason cancer is lonely. The only thing that seemed to help me forget that lonely feeling was reading my Bible, and meditating on God's word. I felt as though every time I picked it up and drew closer to Him, He came closer to me. When I focused on God's word, and Jesus. I didn't feel lonely anymore but instead I felt hope, and peace.

That's why I want to share that same thing with other cancer patients. When I took time to learn who God is, I learned He's my Father, my Heavenly Father. I learned of the God who spoke the world into existence(Genesis 1) and hung the stars in the sky and calls them each by name (psalm 147) Who moves mountains and parts seas, and He fearfully and wonderfully formed me in my mothers womb.(psalm 139) I learned of the God who so loved the world, even in our sinful and shameful nature, He sent His own Son down to be the ULTIMATE sacrifice. That by His crucifixion WE ALL would be granted everlasting life, if we choose to believe in Him. Not because of anything I do or could ever do, Just by grace through faith.

When I learned who Jesus was, well I learned that when I feel alone the most, even when it has no reasonable explanation, I am never alone.